So now that Song of the Wren-Falcon and A Knight on the Old North Shore are out, what's coming up next from author Mary Ruth Pursselley?
I'm glad you asked!
Of course, if you're one of those who have been asking about the sequel to Song of the Wren-Falcon, let me assure you that it is in the works! I must confess, we're still in the first-draft stage at this point...but it's coming. Recent experiences with setting goal dates and deadlines for myself has led me to decide that I am not going to do so with this project, other than to say that, God willing and the Twilight fans don't attempt a world takeover, it will be out in the first half of 2016.
Since you've all been so sweet with your feedback about the book (and your reviews on Amazon make me want to melt), and it absolutely makes my day every time someone eagerly asks about the sequel, I thought I might as well give you a few little sneak peeks...next week. (Okay, sorry, but I can't help being just a little devious.) In the meantime, here's a look at what else you can expect to see from me over the next several months:
The Shadowfields - An historical novella in the spirit of The Secret Garden...with a tiny dash of Northanger Abbey thrown in. This one will be available both in print and as an e-book.
The Pirate Shrine - High-seas fantasy adventure with generous helpings of espionage, political intrigue, swashbuckling action, and maybe just a little romance. This one will also be available both in print and electronic versions.
Plus, more short collections like A Knight on the Old North Shore! I have two of these in the production stage at this point, but neither has a fixed title yet. These will be available exclusively as electronic versions, with a compilation volume of all of my short books planned to release in print eventually.
Of course, these plans are all writing-related, and there's a whole lot more than that going on in my life right now...but more on that at a later time, too. ; )
Showing posts with label Adventure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adventure. Show all posts
July 3, 2015
August 2, 2012
Vacation Chaos and Photos, Part 2
As promised, here are more photos from my fabulous vacation to the Creation Museum! Without further ado...
Alright, that's all the pics for now. I've got one more batch to post, as well as a few more Pursselley mishaps to relate, so be watching. In the meantime, hope you've enjoyed these!
This is a life-size figure of Beowulf, the dragon slayer of legend.
He stands over the entrance of Dragon Hall Bookstore.
This dragon stands in the Palm Plaza, over the entrance to the Dragon Theater.
This is one wall of the Palm Plaza. The two inset lines in the wall behind me are actually fountains that flow down into a pool behind the barrier I'm sitting on.
This is another one from the bookstore - a bas relief telling the story of St. George and the dragon.
I so want one like this in my house now!
This is the Spitz A3P star and planet planetarium projector that was used up until the year 2000 to train NASA'a Mercury astronauts. Hmm... might make a cool author photo for the backs of my future sci-fi novels, what say?
And, hands down, the highlight of the trip: I met Ken Ham!!!!!
He was at the museum for just a short while on our first day there, so I was able to get my picture with him. I was so excited, I could have screamed! For me, this ranks right up there with meeting Martin Luther (not just the wax figure) or William Tyndale, no joke. After meeting Jason Lisle this spring, and now this, I'm running out of names on my 'people-to-meet-before-I-die' list!
Alright, that's all the pics for now. I've got one more batch to post, as well as a few more Pursselley mishaps to relate, so be watching. In the meantime, hope you've enjoyed these!
July 21, 2012
Movie Review: Brave
So one afternoon when we all got off work, we drove into town to see it. It was well worth the trip, and we loved it.
As a nice change of pace from the romance movies flooding the market today, Brave is actually a lovely mother-daughter story. Of course, I was a bit edgy about that too at first, considering Pixar's less-than-glorious track record of botching parent-child stories (case in point: Finding Nemo). However, I was surprised and delighted to discover that in Brave, they actually did a good job handling the development and struggles in Merida's relationship with her mother. The way they executed the final turning point had me ready to stand up and cheer, simply because I was so happy to finally see a Disney movie with a moral of humility and admitting when you're wrong.
The music was wonderful (you can't really go wrong with bagpipes and fiddles), the animation was incredible, and the story itself was delightfully entertaining - a great way to get my Scottish blood flowing.
A few things to be aware of:
One, I wouldn't show this movie to very young children. Mordu, the giant bear Merida faces, would be pretty scary for a little kid.
Two, there is some brief partial nudity at one point, when all the men get stranded on the roof of the castle and tie their kilts together as a rope to get down. I admire their resourcefulness, but still... yeah.
Three, one of the castle maids is rather well endowed by nature, shall we say, and wears a very low-cut dress that makes the issue rather difficult to ignore.
Four, magic plays a key role in the story. Merida sees will o' the wisps, meets a witch, asks for a spell to change her fate, etc. The lessons Merida learns over the course of the story subtly emphasize that magic is what got her into trouble in the first place, which I appreciated seeing, but the presence of magic as such might be a problem for some families.
Aside from that, as I said before, this was a delightful movie that I definitely plan on seeing again. And for anyone of Scottish heritage who plans on seeing this movie in the future, be warned: you might be surprised by how vividly some of your own personality traits show up in various characters. ; )
March 6, 2012
Survival Tips for Real-Life Adventurers, Part II
In Part I, at the frantic insistence of my lawyers, I presented the Department of Adventure Research's statistics on the risks of getting involved in adventures, as well as a long list of advice on how to avoid getting into them. The responses in the comment section were much as I had expected: My readers saw the advice as entertainment rather than sound counsel, and most of them expressed the desire to get involved in adventures in spite of the risks.
I expected that response because, truthfully, I feel the very same way. I would much rather go out and get myself tangled up in a delicious adventure than stay at home and be safe. That desire is what prompted me to write this post in the first place. Unfortunately, due to the undeniable risk of adventure involvement, my lawyers saw such a post as an enormous liability risk, and would not be satisfied unless I first published a post advising against adventure involvement.
So I did, and now that the old buzzards can't squawk at me over liability, we can move on to the topic we're all actually interested in: adventure itself.
I won't argue that adventures are a risky business, so for all you noble adventure-seekers out there, here are some tips for surviving one, should you be so fortunate as to get involved in it.
The first thing to remember, as I mentioned in Part I, is that real-life adventures do not come with a happy-ending guarantee like most fictional ones do. It is extremely important that all adventurers remember this, mainly to avoid becoming lax and passive mid-adventure, assuming things will eventually work out a happy ending on their own. Should you choose to step out of the central, decisive flow of action, things will definitely work out sooner or later, but their odds of working out happily will plummet.
For this reason, adventurers should work to stay as close to the central course of action as possible. Not only will this enable you to stay more in tune with the inner workings of the adventure, but also, the closer you are to the center of the adventure's workings, the more actual meat of the adventure you usually get. Also, if for any reason you end up outside the 'loop' at the heart of the adventure, there is always a chance you will be dragged back in at some point, in which case you will have a terrible amount of catching up to do if you want to be knowledgeable and effective in the rest of the adventure. During your absence from the central loop, you may have missed something vitally important - something the other adventurers involved might forget to mention (adventurers are reputed to have very finicky memories and often forget to share vital information with comrades).
Know the category, type, and genre of the adventure you are involved in. This is a very important point to remember, as each and every type of adventure comes with a unique set of risks and dangers (e.g., Jason Bourne is not likely to have to fight off a fire-breathing dragon, whereas Aragorn is not likely to be hunted by CIA assassins.). Since my field of expertise centers around the speculative genres, the advice presented in this post will focus on those genres and their related categories. (Note: if you are involved in one of these modern, action-type adventures, I advise you to locate and consult an expert in that field at once.)
Layer your clothes. With few exceptions, adventures are extremely hard on the wardrobe. And, since in real-life adventures you won't have a costume crew with 10 extra sets of each outfit for you, you'll have to deal with problems on your own. It's best to have a few layers on, preferably with something very rugged and durable as the outside layer. That way, if you get dragged behind a truck or runaway horse or tumble down a mountain, hopefully your clothes will take the brunt of the abrasions. I recommend leather for the outside layer - besides being tough and durable, it looks extremely cool (which is a must for adventurers). And, if you lose a layer or two (as happens in a very high percentage of adventures) you'll still be alright.
Ladies, whatever you do, do NOT wear high-heeled shoes at any point during the entire duration of the adventure, even if it seems to be at a lull. Without fail, the instant a heroine puts on a pair of high-heeled shoes something drastic breaks loose and she usually ends up climbing out fire escapes, or hijacking a train, or camping in the wilderness while wearing high heels. Not the place you want to find yourself, sister. In fact, if you plan on making adventure a significant part of your life, I would recommend you simply go through your closet and get rid of any high heels to begin with, to reduce your risk. Wear combat boots instead. If anyone sneers, just tell them combat boots with dresses are the latest fad in Parisian couture. Who's going to know?
Carry First-Aid supplies. For some utterly inexplicable reason, adventurers never have first-aid with them. So when someone inevitably gets hurt, they end up having to scrounge around for whatever they can find to use as a splint, bandage, sling, tourniquet, stretcher, etc. Nine times out of ten they end up using someone's shirt as a bandage or sling (another reason to layer your clothes), but you can avoid that in real-life adventures by simply having the foresight to carry actual first-aid supplies with you.
Learn how to perform First-Aid. This should go without saying, I know. But unfortunately, a surprising number of people wouldn't know how to perform first-aid, with or without supplies, if their lives depended on it (pun intended). If I catch any of you people out in the wilds of Middle Earth somewhere, scratching your head and trying to figure out how to apply a tourniquet while your comrade lies bleeding to death, I will not be happy.
Save the melodrama for some time when you're not trying to perform First-Aid. I understand, melodrama is an important part of fictional adventures, and you are more than welcome to incorporate it into your own real-life adventure as well. But First-Aid is not the time for it. We've all seen the heroine rush to the wounded hero's side to find that he's either bleeding profusely, not breathing, pulse-less, or a combination of the above. Rather than doing something constructive (like CPR) she throws herself across him and begins weeping. If he's conscious, they usually have a brief but heart-wrenchingly poignant conversation, followed immediately by his death. If I may say something frankly, it's this:
The death rate of heroes would be reduced dramatically if heroines would just learn CPR and do it rather than weeping. It's traumatic, I know. But seriously, you can tell him you love him after he's breathing on his own again.
Write EVERYTHING down. Unless you have a photographic memory, this is an extremely important tip to remember (you may even want to write it down). Documenting your adventure step-by-step and in detail (and keeping all your notes together in one place, preferably a notebook) will not only serve to make writing your autobiography much easier, but more importantly it will increase your chances of surviving the current adventure and achieving a satisfactory outcome. You've seen it as well as I: the central characters in an adventure all standing or sitting around, scratching their heads and pacing the floor; one of them usually says something to the effect of 'There has to be something we're missing!'
Well, voila! That's when you, the well-advised adventurer, whip out your notebook, flip back through the pages, and find the answer to whatever the problem is. As I mentioned before, adventurers have finicky memories, and they forget everything. So save yourself the trouble and write stuff down!
If everything seems easy, beware! Adventures almost never work out the first time you think they're going to work out, or in the way you first think they're going to work out. No matter how perfect and natural and logical everything seems, if it's easy and perfect, watch out! This is one of your most vulnerable points as an adventurer, and you are statistically more likely to experience something awful and unexpected and horrendous at this time than almost any other time in the course of an adventure.
If you meet someone of the opposite gender whom you simply cannot stand, be aware that you're probably going to fall in love with them. Sorry if I just horrified anyone, but it's just a statistical fact, and you should be informed about it. The earlier on in the adventure you meet this infuriating person, the higher your risk of falling in love with them is. Don't worry - yes, I know s/he is the most annoying and exasperating person on the planet - but s/he'll grow on you. Statistics prove it.
These are just a few general tips to get you started in becoming a well-advised adventurer. If you should happen to find yourself involved in an adventure without further education on the subject, these bits of advice will at least increase your chances of surviving and achieving the ultimate adventurer's goal: a happy ending.
Please bear in mind that there is much, much more to adventure education than what I have included here. I heartily advise each and every one of you to continue learning and studying. With time, diligence, and experience, you may even achieve the status of Master Adventurer!
I expected that response because, truthfully, I feel the very same way. I would much rather go out and get myself tangled up in a delicious adventure than stay at home and be safe. That desire is what prompted me to write this post in the first place. Unfortunately, due to the undeniable risk of adventure involvement, my lawyers saw such a post as an enormous liability risk, and would not be satisfied unless I first published a post advising against adventure involvement.
So I did, and now that the old buzzards can't squawk at me over liability, we can move on to the topic we're all actually interested in: adventure itself.
I won't argue that adventures are a risky business, so for all you noble adventure-seekers out there, here are some tips for surviving one, should you be so fortunate as to get involved in it.
The first thing to remember, as I mentioned in Part I, is that real-life adventures do not come with a happy-ending guarantee like most fictional ones do. It is extremely important that all adventurers remember this, mainly to avoid becoming lax and passive mid-adventure, assuming things will eventually work out a happy ending on their own. Should you choose to step out of the central, decisive flow of action, things will definitely work out sooner or later, but their odds of working out happily will plummet.
For this reason, adventurers should work to stay as close to the central course of action as possible. Not only will this enable you to stay more in tune with the inner workings of the adventure, but also, the closer you are to the center of the adventure's workings, the more actual meat of the adventure you usually get. Also, if for any reason you end up outside the 'loop' at the heart of the adventure, there is always a chance you will be dragged back in at some point, in which case you will have a terrible amount of catching up to do if you want to be knowledgeable and effective in the rest of the adventure. During your absence from the central loop, you may have missed something vitally important - something the other adventurers involved might forget to mention (adventurers are reputed to have very finicky memories and often forget to share vital information with comrades).
Know the category, type, and genre of the adventure you are involved in. This is a very important point to remember, as each and every type of adventure comes with a unique set of risks and dangers (e.g., Jason Bourne is not likely to have to fight off a fire-breathing dragon, whereas Aragorn is not likely to be hunted by CIA assassins.). Since my field of expertise centers around the speculative genres, the advice presented in this post will focus on those genres and their related categories. (Note: if you are involved in one of these modern, action-type adventures, I advise you to locate and consult an expert in that field at once.)
Layer your clothes. With few exceptions, adventures are extremely hard on the wardrobe. And, since in real-life adventures you won't have a costume crew with 10 extra sets of each outfit for you, you'll have to deal with problems on your own. It's best to have a few layers on, preferably with something very rugged and durable as the outside layer. That way, if you get dragged behind a truck or runaway horse or tumble down a mountain, hopefully your clothes will take the brunt of the abrasions. I recommend leather for the outside layer - besides being tough and durable, it looks extremely cool (which is a must for adventurers). And, if you lose a layer or two (as happens in a very high percentage of adventures) you'll still be alright.
Ladies, whatever you do, do NOT wear high-heeled shoes at any point during the entire duration of the adventure, even if it seems to be at a lull. Without fail, the instant a heroine puts on a pair of high-heeled shoes something drastic breaks loose and she usually ends up climbing out fire escapes, or hijacking a train, or camping in the wilderness while wearing high heels. Not the place you want to find yourself, sister. In fact, if you plan on making adventure a significant part of your life, I would recommend you simply go through your closet and get rid of any high heels to begin with, to reduce your risk. Wear combat boots instead. If anyone sneers, just tell them combat boots with dresses are the latest fad in Parisian couture. Who's going to know?
Carry First-Aid supplies. For some utterly inexplicable reason, adventurers never have first-aid with them. So when someone inevitably gets hurt, they end up having to scrounge around for whatever they can find to use as a splint, bandage, sling, tourniquet, stretcher, etc. Nine times out of ten they end up using someone's shirt as a bandage or sling (another reason to layer your clothes), but you can avoid that in real-life adventures by simply having the foresight to carry actual first-aid supplies with you.
Learn how to perform First-Aid. This should go without saying, I know. But unfortunately, a surprising number of people wouldn't know how to perform first-aid, with or without supplies, if their lives depended on it (pun intended). If I catch any of you people out in the wilds of Middle Earth somewhere, scratching your head and trying to figure out how to apply a tourniquet while your comrade lies bleeding to death, I will not be happy.
Save the melodrama for some time when you're not trying to perform First-Aid. I understand, melodrama is an important part of fictional adventures, and you are more than welcome to incorporate it into your own real-life adventure as well. But First-Aid is not the time for it. We've all seen the heroine rush to the wounded hero's side to find that he's either bleeding profusely, not breathing, pulse-less, or a combination of the above. Rather than doing something constructive (like CPR) she throws herself across him and begins weeping. If he's conscious, they usually have a brief but heart-wrenchingly poignant conversation, followed immediately by his death. If I may say something frankly, it's this:
The death rate of heroes would be reduced dramatically if heroines would just learn CPR and do it rather than weeping. It's traumatic, I know. But seriously, you can tell him you love him after he's breathing on his own again.
Write EVERYTHING down. Unless you have a photographic memory, this is an extremely important tip to remember (you may even want to write it down). Documenting your adventure step-by-step and in detail (and keeping all your notes together in one place, preferably a notebook) will not only serve to make writing your autobiography much easier, but more importantly it will increase your chances of surviving the current adventure and achieving a satisfactory outcome. You've seen it as well as I: the central characters in an adventure all standing or sitting around, scratching their heads and pacing the floor; one of them usually says something to the effect of 'There has to be something we're missing!'
Well, voila! That's when you, the well-advised adventurer, whip out your notebook, flip back through the pages, and find the answer to whatever the problem is. As I mentioned before, adventurers have finicky memories, and they forget everything. So save yourself the trouble and write stuff down!
If everything seems easy, beware! Adventures almost never work out the first time you think they're going to work out, or in the way you first think they're going to work out. No matter how perfect and natural and logical everything seems, if it's easy and perfect, watch out! This is one of your most vulnerable points as an adventurer, and you are statistically more likely to experience something awful and unexpected and horrendous at this time than almost any other time in the course of an adventure.
If you meet someone of the opposite gender whom you simply cannot stand, be aware that you're probably going to fall in love with them. Sorry if I just horrified anyone, but it's just a statistical fact, and you should be informed about it. The earlier on in the adventure you meet this infuriating person, the higher your risk of falling in love with them is. Don't worry - yes, I know s/he is the most annoying and exasperating person on the planet - but s/he'll grow on you. Statistics prove it.
-----------------------------------------
These are just a few general tips to get you started in becoming a well-advised adventurer. If you should happen to find yourself involved in an adventure without further education on the subject, these bits of advice will at least increase your chances of surviving and achieving the ultimate adventurer's goal: a happy ending.
Please bear in mind that there is much, much more to adventure education than what I have included here. I heartily advise each and every one of you to continue learning and studying. With time, diligence, and experience, you may even achieve the status of Master Adventurer!
February 8, 2012
Survival Tips for Real-Life Adventurers
As a blogger, I can't help but feel responsible for the dear souls who so kindly and graciously follow me here at the Lair. Their choice to do so displays an amazing amount of trust and faith, and it is important to me that I never betray that trust.
I know my followers to be people who share my love of speculative fiction and great adventure stories; I also know that one of the central reasons we love adventure stories so much is because deep down, we all dream of having our own exciting adventures. But adventures are things that come with a large set of risks, many of which can prove deadly, dangerous, or at least grievously inconvenient.
I have done a great deal of research and study into the subject of adventure survival, and I would hate to think anyone was out there having an adventure that I could have helped prepare them for, so I have put together this list of tips and advice that I hope will prove helpful to any of my readers who happen to find themselves involved in a real-life adventure. Don't worry, I'm a professional. Feel free to take notes.
The first and most important thing to remember is that real-life adventures do not come with the happy-ending guarantee most novels include.
Fictional adventures are conducted under the close supervision of a writer, and while all writers possess differing levels of skill, training, experience, and taste in conducting adventures, they also have one thing in common: readers who will be very unhappy with anything less than a satisfactory (i.e. happy) ending. As unhappy readers result in unemployed writers, the motivation to ensure happy endings is strong.
Unfortunately, real-life adventurers do not get the benefit of this little check-and-balance system. That is not to say that real-life adventures never have happy endings, but those endings usually have to come as a result of the adventurer's own hard work and fortitude.
For this reason, some have proposed that the wisest course of action for real-life adventurers is to find a new field of interest or go back to reading novels, and avoid adventure entirely.
That is certainly a reasonable proposal, considering the nature of most adventures. And if you possess a personality marked by practicality, sensibility, and common sense, that may be the course of action best suited to you.
If that is a choice that interests you, here are some tips for avoiding adventure completely:
1. If an old friend who's been missing for years suddenly shows up and says he/she either needs your help or has something to show or tell you and you can't tell anybody about it, throw him out and lock the door. Adventural statistics show that he is 8 times more likely than the average person to have been involved in adventure-related activity during his absence, and, due to the infectious nature of adventure syndrome, he will now want to involve you as well. So throw him out, lock the door, and whatever you do, do not ask questions! If the faintest hint of idle curiosity begins to niggle at the back of your mind, fight it! Adventure syndrome is highly contagious, and the contagion is transmitted most easily via innocent questions.
If you do slip and ask a question or two or - Heaven help you! - three, before you realize what your friend is trying to do to you, it may already be too late and you must be extremely watchful for symptoms of adventure syndrome to begin manifesting themselves. These symptoms include lying awake at night, inability to eat or enjoy prior interests, an increased sense of curiosity over whatever your friend has brought to your attention, feelings of guilt for refusing to help or go along with him, and a sense of impending doom surrounding your continued refusal. If you have indeed been exposed, symptoms will usually present within a week, although in a few rare cases the contagion has been known to lie dormant in the infected person's system for months or even years before manifesting itself, so you would do well to remain watchful and cautious.
2. Avoid making new friends. You can get by with the set you already have just fine, and your risk of contracting adventure syndrome increases exponentially to the number of new friends you meet, making the practice hardly worth the risk. Unfortunately, I know few people who are willing to sacrifice this much, even in the name of self-preservation. So if you are determined to continue making new friends in spite of the risk, all I can do is advise you on making safe choices.
Total strangers are usually safe to befriend, provided they are not:
- an old friend of a friend or relative. Chances are, the friend or relative who introduced you has become wise to the old friend's attempts to infect them with adventure syndrome and they are now trying to get rid of said old friend by pawning them off on you. Note: introductions containing the phrase 'my oldest and dearest friend' are considered especially dangerous, particularly if you have never heard of this oldest and dearest friend before.
- fabulously wealthy. Especially if there is any mystery, rumor, or speculation of any kind surrounding their wealth.
- terribly poor. Abject poverty is a prime breeding ground for heroistic and adventurous traits.
- a pirate. No story, however peaceful and well-ordered, ever maintains that status for long following the entrance or involvement of a pirate.
- remarkably handsome/beautiful. Extraordinary physical beauty is a tell-tale mark of central involvement in an adventure, and the person is probably a highly contagious carrier of adventure syndrome.
- hideously ugly and/or covered with warts. Complete and utter lack of physical beauty is almost as dangerous as the abundance of it. A hideously ugly person is 64% more likely than the average-looking person to possess a deceptively noble and beautiful soul and to be infected with adventure syndrome. Warts increase the chances of them being under some kind of evil curse as well.
3. If you come across a bizarre object in an ordinary location (such as a giant egg in your back yard) or ordinary objects in a bizarre situation (such as a sword sticking out of a rock), walk away immediately and don't come back. And whatever happens, do not touch it! The chances of the items being mundane and harmless is slight compared to the chances of them being highly dangerous and contagious transmitters of adventure syndrome. Avoid the area of their location entirely for as long as possible - preferably forever - to avoid infection. This avoidance may cause some minor inconvenience such as never mowing or setting foot in the back yard again, but these trials are comparatively slight. After all, think of how relaxing and enjoyable it could be to have a wildlife sanctuary in the backyard. And how difficult is it to buy a new clothes line for the front yard, compared to the tribulation of getting involved in an adventure?
Aside from these three major points, there are a few minor things that one should avoid in order to also avoid infection with adventure syndrome:
- attics
- cellars
- dungeons
- secret passages
- items or people found in any of the above locations
- old books written in strange languages
- orphaned baby animals
- anything generally unusual or out of the ordinary
- locked chests, trunks, boxes, and doors
- things inside locked chests, trunks, boxes, and doors
- large, old, mysterious houses
- forbidden wings of large, old, mysterious houses
- people who live in large, old, mysterious houses
- people considered crazy by public consensus
- people
- gypsies
- hermits
- balls, parties, and other social functions
That about sums it up. Put these tips into practice and your risk of contracting adventure syndrome will decrease significantly. Naturally I cannot guarantee your immunity. Adventure syndrome is an aggressive contagion and can strike anyone at any time or place, so it is important to know your risk and adjust your lifestyle accordingly. Common risk factors include frequent daydreaming, voracious reading, a vivid imagination, and the belief that scars are attractive.
On the other hand, if you are not one of the wise and sensible people choosing to avoid adventure, you are being faced with an entirely different set of risks and dangers which must be addressed and discussed. I'll undertake that next time, in Survival Tips for Real-Life Adventurers, Part II.
I know my followers to be people who share my love of speculative fiction and great adventure stories; I also know that one of the central reasons we love adventure stories so much is because deep down, we all dream of having our own exciting adventures. But adventures are things that come with a large set of risks, many of which can prove deadly, dangerous, or at least grievously inconvenient.
I have done a great deal of research and study into the subject of adventure survival, and I would hate to think anyone was out there having an adventure that I could have helped prepare them for, so I have put together this list of tips and advice that I hope will prove helpful to any of my readers who happen to find themselves involved in a real-life adventure. Don't worry, I'm a professional. Feel free to take notes.
The first and most important thing to remember is that real-life adventures do not come with the happy-ending guarantee most novels include.
Fictional adventures are conducted under the close supervision of a writer, and while all writers possess differing levels of skill, training, experience, and taste in conducting adventures, they also have one thing in common: readers who will be very unhappy with anything less than a satisfactory (i.e. happy) ending. As unhappy readers result in unemployed writers, the motivation to ensure happy endings is strong.
Unfortunately, real-life adventurers do not get the benefit of this little check-and-balance system. That is not to say that real-life adventures never have happy endings, but those endings usually have to come as a result of the adventurer's own hard work and fortitude.
For this reason, some have proposed that the wisest course of action for real-life adventurers is to find a new field of interest or go back to reading novels, and avoid adventure entirely.
That is certainly a reasonable proposal, considering the nature of most adventures. And if you possess a personality marked by practicality, sensibility, and common sense, that may be the course of action best suited to you.
If that is a choice that interests you, here are some tips for avoiding adventure completely:
1. If an old friend who's been missing for years suddenly shows up and says he/she either needs your help or has something to show or tell you and you can't tell anybody about it, throw him out and lock the door. Adventural statistics show that he is 8 times more likely than the average person to have been involved in adventure-related activity during his absence, and, due to the infectious nature of adventure syndrome, he will now want to involve you as well. So throw him out, lock the door, and whatever you do, do not ask questions! If the faintest hint of idle curiosity begins to niggle at the back of your mind, fight it! Adventure syndrome is highly contagious, and the contagion is transmitted most easily via innocent questions.
If you do slip and ask a question or two or - Heaven help you! - three, before you realize what your friend is trying to do to you, it may already be too late and you must be extremely watchful for symptoms of adventure syndrome to begin manifesting themselves. These symptoms include lying awake at night, inability to eat or enjoy prior interests, an increased sense of curiosity over whatever your friend has brought to your attention, feelings of guilt for refusing to help or go along with him, and a sense of impending doom surrounding your continued refusal. If you have indeed been exposed, symptoms will usually present within a week, although in a few rare cases the contagion has been known to lie dormant in the infected person's system for months or even years before manifesting itself, so you would do well to remain watchful and cautious.
2. Avoid making new friends. You can get by with the set you already have just fine, and your risk of contracting adventure syndrome increases exponentially to the number of new friends you meet, making the practice hardly worth the risk. Unfortunately, I know few people who are willing to sacrifice this much, even in the name of self-preservation. So if you are determined to continue making new friends in spite of the risk, all I can do is advise you on making safe choices.
Total strangers are usually safe to befriend, provided they are not:
- an old friend of a friend or relative. Chances are, the friend or relative who introduced you has become wise to the old friend's attempts to infect them with adventure syndrome and they are now trying to get rid of said old friend by pawning them off on you. Note: introductions containing the phrase 'my oldest and dearest friend' are considered especially dangerous, particularly if you have never heard of this oldest and dearest friend before.
- fabulously wealthy. Especially if there is any mystery, rumor, or speculation of any kind surrounding their wealth.
- terribly poor. Abject poverty is a prime breeding ground for heroistic and adventurous traits.
- a pirate. No story, however peaceful and well-ordered, ever maintains that status for long following the entrance or involvement of a pirate.
- remarkably handsome/beautiful. Extraordinary physical beauty is a tell-tale mark of central involvement in an adventure, and the person is probably a highly contagious carrier of adventure syndrome.
- hideously ugly and/or covered with warts. Complete and utter lack of physical beauty is almost as dangerous as the abundance of it. A hideously ugly person is 64% more likely than the average-looking person to possess a deceptively noble and beautiful soul and to be infected with adventure syndrome. Warts increase the chances of them being under some kind of evil curse as well.
3. If you come across a bizarre object in an ordinary location (such as a giant egg in your back yard) or ordinary objects in a bizarre situation (such as a sword sticking out of a rock), walk away immediately and don't come back. And whatever happens, do not touch it! The chances of the items being mundane and harmless is slight compared to the chances of them being highly dangerous and contagious transmitters of adventure syndrome. Avoid the area of their location entirely for as long as possible - preferably forever - to avoid infection. This avoidance may cause some minor inconvenience such as never mowing or setting foot in the back yard again, but these trials are comparatively slight. After all, think of how relaxing and enjoyable it could be to have a wildlife sanctuary in the backyard. And how difficult is it to buy a new clothes line for the front yard, compared to the tribulation of getting involved in an adventure?
Aside from these three major points, there are a few minor things that one should avoid in order to also avoid infection with adventure syndrome:
- attics
- cellars
- dungeons
- secret passages
- items or people found in any of the above locations
- old books written in strange languages
- orphaned baby animals
- anything generally unusual or out of the ordinary
- locked chests, trunks, boxes, and doors
- things inside locked chests, trunks, boxes, and doors
- large, old, mysterious houses
- forbidden wings of large, old, mysterious houses
- people who live in large, old, mysterious houses
- people considered crazy by public consensus
- people
- gypsies
- hermits
- balls, parties, and other social functions
That about sums it up. Put these tips into practice and your risk of contracting adventure syndrome will decrease significantly. Naturally I cannot guarantee your immunity. Adventure syndrome is an aggressive contagion and can strike anyone at any time or place, so it is important to know your risk and adjust your lifestyle accordingly. Common risk factors include frequent daydreaming, voracious reading, a vivid imagination, and the belief that scars are attractive.
On the other hand, if you are not one of the wise and sensible people choosing to avoid adventure, you are being faced with an entirely different set of risks and dangers which must be addressed and discussed. I'll undertake that next time, in Survival Tips for Real-Life Adventurers, Part II.
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